Vacations : a la Saudi

After aeons of veiling women ‘neath those drab chador
And impaling Giaours who breached Mecca’s holy door
You now welcome the Infidels for a Grand Arabian Tour !
To view What exactly - thy Deserts of wind-blown sand ?
Our Occidental coasts are blessed with beaches grand,
So we really hath no desires for thy bug-infested shores,
Nor imposition of the rules of hypocritical heathen Moors.
And if we should choose such climes for our due vacation,
Visit the local sauna, for a dose of dehydrating privation,
And later, to relieve this self-inflicted anhydrous condition,
Irrigate on clear ale, in the established, legalised tradition.

So retain thy scorched domain for those of similar ilk,
Bred to the Mullah’s calls, and weaned on Islam’s milk,
Who may well appreciate a feast of thy cultural treats,
Alike public beheadings and goats fucking in the streets,
Or join the sweaty throngs of that weekly barbaric parade
To see an adulteress stoned, another harlot renegade,
Or hear the devastating swish of the Scimitar’s blade
As it lops off the hand of some hapless, thieving beggar,
Next it might be a Smith, or Jones, or of the clan McGregor,
If we dare journey to thy land in Adventure’s intrepid cause,
Become sad victims to your inane and neolithic Sharia laws
Through the innocent transgression of some minor legality,
What we should have tipped the waiter, or like cultural triviality.

Can we visit your holy Mecca, on a special tourist Haj,
Take photos of the Kaaba, without adopting Islam’s badge
Of having our foreskins shorn, and infibulating our womenfolk ?
The whole concept of Saudi holidays constitutes a pitiful joke,
Banging one’s reluctant head on some Mosque’s fetid floor,
Shoeless, in supplication, inviting verrucas by the score,
Draped in grimy bed sheets, tea-towels atop thy craniums,
Denied a pint or dram, supping boiled cactus or geraniums.

Perchance we can go jet skiing off arid Ras al Tanura,
Frolicking upon the Gulf, massive oil slicks in plethora,
With sewage and cadavers, compete for swimming space

And dispatch post-cards to Mater :
“What a splendid place,
The weather is simply gorgeous, and wish you were here,
Please send two packs of bacon, and a keg of frosted beer,
Plus five kilos of pork sausages and several tins of Spam,
And if it ain’t too much trouble, a haunch of roasted ham,
A magnum of Dom Perignon too, so we might raise a toast,
But courier the hamper via Fed-Ex, and not the Saudi post.”

You vacation far abroad, with logical and just cause,
Outside the parameters of oppressive, asinine laws,
For within the Liberal climes of a Civilized community,
You may breach Islam’s strictures with fearless Impunity.

Thy concubines can shoplift, until their heart’s content,
Commit Infidel adultery while paroled from a Bedouin tent,
And discern what a Woman, in Western eyes, is Worth,
Then seek due asylum from the Penitentiary of her birth.

While thee, the noble Sheikhs, far from the Muezzin’s calls,
Might partake of Venality within our Heathen bastion’s walls,
Where you can freely gamble, get drunk, and screw about,
W’out fear the dreaded Mutawwaain will e’er catch you out.
In our Arena thou art beyond the foul venom of Sharia Laws,
And too, of homicidal Fatwas, and the Imams’ tyrannic paws.

So why, one does inquire, should we partake of your charade,
Vacationers besieged by regulations yourself wish to evade?
And where, in Allah’s name, did you e’er Divine the Notion
Thy desiccated Kingdom is worthy of Tourist Promotion ?


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The BBC World Service News announced, circa mid-August, 2000, that the Saudi Arabian Government wishes to implement a dedicated programme of foreign tourist promotion.