She laid a quill to parchment, and her Dictums thereon wrote,
With a female Ego’s naiveté pervading the jussive note,
No word was writ to Tease nor Jest, nor put down for Sport,
‘Twas akin the coercive Edicts issued by the Inns of Court.
When at last I returneth home, and took her as my Bride,
Therein lay the Rules and Rituals by which I must Abide,
What I may do in my Own house, and what shalt be Forbidden,
That of her Being I might touch or see, and what remaineth Hidden.
Of schedules I was to observe and keep,
Of Budgetary Constraints and Obligations,
Which side o’bed would be mine to sleep,
An embargo on Curses and Profanations.
No meats be served on a Friday’s morn’ or night,
A choice of fish, or hunger, the main Prandial Delight;
Each Sunday morn’ we’d attend her Church,
I could sup no grog that day,
As the Sabbath decreed for Spiritual Search,
In Hell’s Fires all Transgressors would pay.
She forbade my cheroots and pipes of Balkan dark,
On my Connubial Rights too set her mark,
Whene’r my loins were aroused to Passion
Advised once a month was her Stipulated Ration,
And chose to bear Only two child as her Marital Right,
Both conceptions preferably occurring on the same night.
As the wedded Christian Prude she designed to play,
No more the wild lass and lusty romps in the hay,
‘Twas the Steed of a Termagant she now mounted and rode
With her letter signed “Affections, your loving Betrothed.”
‘Twere across half the Globe and three months hence
I received her Missal proclaiming my Marital Providence,
Beyond Magellan’s Straits of Capricious Pelagic Tricks,
With the Oceans a’ready elected as my brutal Dominatrix.
Hark, what audacious fit of Ego so sought to enslave,
By a single gold band, until time for the grave;
I’ve been thought many things, as the way of Life rules,
But ne’er an Absconder from an Asylum of Fools.
Aye, to our chosen women, blessed or accursed their wiles,
But her intended Fiats brought forth more smirks than riles.
If it be her Ideal of Wedded Bliss, how she thought and saw,
‘Twas ripe to dispatch the giddy Miss my Edicts of Married Law.
So I laid a quill to parchment and scribed my just reply,
With mayhap a devilish glint pervading mind and eye,
Evaluating her shrewish Mandate, each item and fact,
A Charter for Subservience, this matrimonial contract.
For I wouldst come and go as I’d Damn well please,
And she could pray for my returns on bendeth knees,
With my lips desisting a blasphemous oath or curse
On the day I were loaded into the back of a hearse.
A stipend of one shilling would account her yearly pay,
With a bonus of sixpence doled out on Christmas Day,
Each Sabbath as she attended church, I would spit my roast,
With strong ale to wash it down, and salute the lunch-time toast.
Aye, choice cuts of bloody meat would embellish every meal,
And on Friday noon’s especially, a haunch of tender veal.
She’d slice and blend my cheroots, then roll ‘em on her thigh,
And endure my pipe’s noxious fumes until the day she’d die.
Each eve’ she may read her Bible, or embroider Pastoral Scenes,
While I mused o’er a fine cigar, and the pandects of the Libertines.
As my flank of the conjugal bunk, I claimed the whole affair,
She might sleep upon the floor, or in the rocking chair,
After her Obligatory nightly duties, performed upon the bed,
Naked and a’lusting she’d climb atop my foremast’s head,
And ride it alike some bronco, until commanded “Cease”,
Then devote to oral worship as I lay in blissful peace.
As to our Ordained Brood, each Spring she’d incubate
‘Til a sum of bonny lads and lasses totaled up to eight,
And if ever she dare complaineth of these parturient rigours,
Keep her womb producing until the count’s in double figures.
Thus my Epistle clarified I’m Captain of each ship I rode,
And I signed it “With affections, your loving Betrothed.”
For Exemplary Wives are forged and maintained
Via a path proven, and well trod,
Just keep ‘em all duly restrained,
Well fucked, and poorly shod.