Hail Sir Richard Branson and his Wildcat commercial stable,
Entrepreneurial non-conformist of the maverick Virgin label,
Iconoclast of Global Economics and Mercantile Traditions,
Denounced by the City for Heretical Investment Seditions.
So damn these jealous Brahmins of the dynastic silver spoon,
Envious of thy Strategies, and Virgin’s over-inflated Balloon,
All desire to see thee Fall, and flailed with their polished boots,
The eternal open-collared Upstart defying the Corporate Suits;
And in further gross challenge to these Fiscal Deities Immortal
Now initiate your Magnum Opus : the Virgin.com Internet portal,
Where the Third Estate can browse, until their heart’s content,
To book vacations in Dirigibles, ensured their scrip’s well spent,
Even if the hot air and breezes run short somewhere over Pisa,
And by Etruscan Immigration detained for lack of a current visa.
Now your Virgin Money lets us speculate in stocks Online,
Plus a jargon-free guide to buying innovative Virgin Wine,
Classified not by the vineyard’s region, but texture and taste,
We pray a better vintage than Virgin Cola’s emetic waste.
Aye, alike Virgin Rail’s enterprise, has seen you out of pocket,
But thee shouldn’t have started out fielding Stevenson’s Rocket,
Servicing the redundant route of Cape Wrath to Portland Bight,
With stops at Clewes and Frodsham, and Ventnor, Isle of White.
I developed terminal hemorrhoids the last time we rode your train,
But fortunately Virgin’s Online Preparation H cured them again.
I’ve been chauffeured around London on a Virgin Limobike,
Sent two faxes and had a sauna, you’ve never seen the like,
Once flew Virgin Atlantic from dear old England to New York,
But due some fault in navigation, ended up in County Cork.
We considered Virgin Records a Hit and Sanctified to Thrive,
Now this relaunched Fiscal Disaster as V. Shops might survive;
With two hundred-plus companies under Branson’s Virgin brand
One or three, or several, may pass before the Receiver’s hand.
What predict the Soothsayers of Financial Speculations,
Will Virgin Online dominate the commerce of Far Nations ?
Usurping the market for Rembrant’s and unique Old Masters,
For triple tinted toilet tissue and Chiropodist’s bunion plasters,
Providing Internet Euthanasia for one’s aged and ailing pets,
Simply type-in Assassins-dot-com for Virgin’s terminal Vets.
A vehicle for the family camping trip ? A Virgin Website Truck !
If it rolls off down the Pennines, who gives an Online Fuck !
Call up Virgin Auto Insurance, on your Virgin Mobile phone,
Leave a GPS location fix when you hear the message tone,
So the Virgin Wrecker can salvage the pulverized debris,
Then swiftly hop on Virgin Express and head for sunny Capri,
And when you receive an Invoice, Liable for the Gross Amount,
Simply charge it to your unlisted Virgin Islands bank account.
The new baby won’t come out ! Try Virgin’s Cybersite Cesarean,
What Denomination for the Baptism ? Why, Virgin Presbyterian.
Will you peddle Online Bar mitzvah’s, of cheap Armenian hype,
Vend Taiwanese cardboard Classic coffins, of a Superior type ?
Nuptial cakes designed and built by Taylor-Woodrow or Costain,
Sliced with a hammer and chisel by the Bride’s beloved Swain,
Lease wedding boas of Dodo plumes, gowns of Byzantine lace,
Interments upon Mount Everest. One’s Ashes shot into Space,
Hawk cut-price Circumcisions, and Stop and Shop Vasectomies,
Reduce the Ladies’ medical bills with walk-in Hysterectomies.
And while the competition raves, with paroxysm and contortions,
Provide careless wenches the convenience of Online Abortions.
The mind doth truly boggle with the services you company offers,
To keep Virgin a Solvent entity, and replenish thy bloody coffers.
Many class thee as a Role Model for the next Corporate Elite,
A lucky Cavalier Arrogant, a tightrope walker with two left feet,
Alike some demented gardener, who imprudently doth sow,
But if he scatters enough wild seeds, a few are bound to grow.
Perchance more shake-ups or bail-outs are due down the line,
With the vomitous Cola brand, and the prospect of Saharan wine,
For even with a Knighthood, and the Online Portal’s Cream,
Our dear Sir Richard Branson might be living in a Dream,
For things at Virgin Online dot-com are not all that they seem.
Who requires a Lifestyle Editor dominating Cradle to Grave care,
Existing Totalitarian Authorities already drive us to Despair.
The Corner Shop of Yesteryear was perhaps a Fine Tradition,
What fires Global Economy is Diverse, Intense Competition.
Yet the Concept is Correct , for Mankind’s composed of Sheep,
Virgin’s Demographics have targeted a world market half-Asleep.
Where now our Teenage Editor, or the Music-Industry Tycoon ?
( Signed the putrid Sex Pistols - They burst their own balloon )
A Mogul of Aviation hath become ! A Monarch of Cyberspace ?
Perchance we’ll hold back the Laurels until he’s run that Race.
Albeit not Risk-Averse, in this Venture may prove the Master,
Though one problem with the ‘Net : Bad news travels Faster.
Thou asks why Caustic Wit and Ire be vented in this Purging,
Baltic caviar passed off as Megastores’ prime Caspian sturgeon,
And from Branson’s Bride Online, due my peers persistent urgin’,
Bought a Thai mail-order spouse, and she definitely isn’t Virgin !