Abu Sayyaf

“Come to the Philippines” the tourist brochures may declare
But we decided on East Malaysia, it’s surely safer there,
No lunatic Islamic terrorists abroad to point a gun
At your naked midriff while you’re basking in the sun.
But one should ne’er tempt Providence, or the Hand of Fate,
This lesson for the learning comes a mite too late,
For the Mindanao Muslim crazies invaded our resort,
A Philippine Hostage Holiday simply isn’t what we bought.
Reluctant participants in this Nightmare of Vacations,
Pawns, apolitical, from far distant Western nations,
Our only crime, we are assured, is being Christian White,
Thus, based on this ideology, our future isn’t very bright.

This mountainous jungle pied-a-terre falls far short of exotic
A diet of frogs and mildewed rice, the waiters quite neurotic,
Intimidated by terrorist guns, and strafed by government troops,
Confined within a bamboo cage, ( I’ve seen larger chicken coops)
While Inept Negotiators from the Estrada Administration
Predict they’ll Eventually resolve our kidnapping situation.
So Pray we shall be ransomed from this demonic horde
And they don’t overcharge us for the room and board.

Forget the Stockholm Syndrome, our sympathy never lies
With this band of Pirates if they’re gutted before our eyes.
Heathen Barbarians all, bawling Islam’s Creed of Profanity,
Devoid of Logical Ideation, cursed by Congenital Insanity,
High on their sham Invincibility, and copious bongs of Weed,
Fired by ransom’s extorted returns, the Apotheosis of Greed.
We pray Moses’ Ten Plagues are visited upon their Guild,
That Divine Lightning may strike and each Ignoramus killed;
No benefit to Humanity, this cadre of Unwashed Philistines,
A Baboon has more idea of what the term Civilized means.

If finally we are Released, and not Killed by the Army first,
To wind up as cadavers a’back some fetid Moro hearse,
We’ll be a spot more selective in our venues for a holiday,
And probably stick to Torremolinos, or exotic Morecambe Bay.